This is not a sports topic this time, this happens to be a LIFE topic today.
Folks think I've come this far to give up, throw the towel in now, fuck no! I will achieve, be victorious & stand tall when the sun sets and by the midnight stroke of the clock. Battle my way out of the hole I had created for myself, even though they were those who stood in my way, hoping I failed, I stayed in pursuit of what I wanted, hurled over them w/ the help of God, some great people in my life & the inner strength that I have. I'm determined to elevate, live life better than I have before. The hardest thing to do is admit my faults, because a lot of folks use that against you & try to keep you under. The main thing that kept me under was FEAR. I allowed that to be the ruler in my life, even growing up for years, which I made small strides, but ended up losing out in the end.
Another hard thing to do is take & accept responsibility for my actions. The words that I spoke at times were filled with venom, anger, hate, fear, and frustration. Tired of being misunderstood majority of my life, but hell how could I not be when I didn't fully understand myself while growing up and even into the early years of adulthood.... I was still searching for who Nick really was. I put up such a brick wall with barbwire fences and 3 snipers at the top that I didn't allow anyone to get close to me other than a chosen few, which were my brothas. That's because for the first time I met a group of cats that didn't leave me, they stuck with me through thick & thin, as I did with them. *Loyalty & trust are so important, those are not traits that most people even now have, & most importantly execute amongst each other, its a got damn shame.*
I made several bad choices with the girls that I dated in the past, because I have such a big heart, I saw things in people that weren't truly there, I wanted them to be, but lets be honest, you cant control anyone but yourself. I've been used by people more times than the law allowed. And I allowed it to a degree, because for the most part I didn't take the time to really see some people for who they were. I was very verbally abusive to people at times, some deserve it (you know a good cussin out is cool & they'll be alright), but for most, didn't deserve it, and I'm speaking on the people that I embraced in my world. The folks who were kind enough & gracious enough to befriend & love me.
I used the fact that I had been wronged (which I had), & playing the victim role as a safety blanket, suffocating myself to the world that continued to spin whether I was alive or not, involved in it or detached from it. So when things or people didn't work out I can say see I know it wouldn't & I wouldn't be able to develop any feelings so I couldn't recieve the hurt that would possibly come with it. I developed alot of trust issues, that I wish I would've got a handle on way sooner than I do now.
I've had failed relationships, failed so called friendships (which with some folks I'm glad it died off, because it was a detriment). I recall the first failed relationship I had in my life was with my father. No he didn't leave out of my life, or divorce my mom, in fact they are still married 36 years strong. Growing up after I was about 8 or 9, I wanted to continue a solid relationship with my dad, but unfortunately do to some things that transpired that didn't happen. I grew up with resentment and anger towards him, which spewed out onto other people in my life. My mom & I have always had an outstanding close relationship, and I wanted that with my dad. And until last year or so, he's reached out, and up until a month or so ago I've realized that he has, and supported me. I had to let go of the fact of what happened in the past, because all in all as my lady once told me, he's here now. I believed that that has helped me have a brighter outlook on life, especially once I let that go & buried that in my life.
I'm not damn fool, I believe in standing up for yourself & defending what is yours, however looking to engage in battle & war at every turn and stride in my life, is no good. Not coming into a situation where I want to beat your ass, or cut you because I'm mad at the world, and/or feeling like I didn't get the brakes I was suppose to get. Naw those days are indeed behind me. Negativity only brings on more negativity. I've realized this after doing some heavy soul searching & important soul digging. It took some special people to exit my life for me to see these things. I hope they will re-enter my life soon, cause I need you here.
I have one shot at this thing called life, and before I got this revelation and really took a in depth look at it, if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't be happy with my life entirely, and that has nothing to do with material things or money of any sort. Its the hurt & damage I caused people, based upon what Ive said & done to them, lashing out which was incredibly wrong & stupid, on top of that insensitive. I take total responsibility for all my wrongs and will do everything in my power to make them right as I can. I'm here to enjoy life and make things better for myself, and others around me. It took me a couple of decades to realize what my talents truly are and execute them, because I allowed the wrong people who obviously saw the talent(s) in me, to destroy the confidence in me. Guess what.....I'm back! I am a changed man, constantly growing daily. I'm a writer by nature, love sports & politics, so I write about sports mostly, & going to be the best at it.
Never give up on yourself, always have faith in yourself, watch what you say, because you can't take it back, trust me I learned that the hard way. Still a work in progress, positive thinking, positive vibes, and championship results are what I'm after. Making sure I put up more wins than loses, and having a complete life all around. When I fall, gotta get back up & keep moving.
I'm grateful & thankful for the opportunities I've had, have & going to have. For meeting some awesome people in my life, and looking forward to meeting more. I Fear nothing or no one. I'm nobody's nigga - so don't call me one! Understanding manhood, has nothing to do with the dick & two balls that hangs between your legs or how hard you are, but has everything to do with your outlook on life, level of intelligence, interacting with your mate, how you interact and treat people, and the impact you leave upon folks in a good way. I know now who Nick is, that's the blessing of it. I still keep it honest & I still keep it real, yet I'm sharper about it. I use my mouth for good especially towards my loved ones, and those who I say I care about.
I've NEVER hated on or been jealous of anyone, I just didn't see a point & still don't. Anybody that's jealous of me, you're an idiot! For every hater I have, I have 2-3 supporters, so I'm still in the win column. I no longer allow my past to dictate my present or even my future. I realized also that trust is earned over time, not always given, but when I do, value it. I believe I've been given a second chance in life, I'm making good on it, stay tuned. As much as I didn't want to admit, I was negative, and expected to get better results in life, I was insane to think that, smh. It's about positivity, even when things don't go my way sometimes, keep going & fight until it does or something even better can come along.
A true warrior never gives up! Bend, but don't break like the bamboo. I hope this helped somebody or somebody you know as you read this, thanks.
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